Excuses, avoidance

I woke up and decided today would be different. Today, I will choose myself because for the past few months I couldn't—

Moving away from familiarity is never easy.

I had let you in unapologetically. For months now I have gone through hard-learned lessons in attempting to be your source of love and respect. You remind me ever-so gently, “Put yourself first,” and to do what makes me happy, regardless of how you feel.

And despite that, I continue to choose you, not in a romantic way, but in a way that makes sense to us. While it seems that I continue to make myself smaller, nobody can understand the ties that bind us.

The true intent of our continued friendship is because of who you are at your core.

I’ve met somebody who continues to see the good in me, despite my incessant chatter. Someone who is patient in helping me process these feelings I had forgotten I was capable of. And in all the laughs and mornings we share,

I’m told I’m being strung along. Because while it feels right in our time together, I am left in disarray, accepting your white lies.

But openness is built upon trust and safety, and I want to be there for when you’re ready. And since I have the capacity to do so, I will continue to, as you’d say to me, “don’t worry about me.”

In baring my soul, I was given a second-hand wake-up call not yet ready to be received. Since opening myself up to others, their judgement echoing louder than my understanding of you, than your niceties toward me.

I should be less thoughtful, check on you a bit less, and give us the space I so desperately need. In the brief time we’ve spent together, I am painstakingly reminded of how one-sided we appear, and it’s neither of our fault.

There’s only goodness in the moments we share; grateful to grow alongside you, though our paths are only meant to diverge.